HuffPost http://huff.to/1wAmIPn lists 23 Full-Sized Struggles Every Short Woman Wants You To Know About.
Apparently I’m not “full sized” but “short” nay, “very short”! By definition I’m deficient, lacking in some way. At under 5 feet 4 inches I should “only dream of being that tall” – actually I don’t. I like being my height (4′ 11 3/4″ ) – any bigger would feel too big. I can’t say why, it just would. I don’t mind talking about it – perhaps that’s weird like talking about having genital warts or halitosis. But there it is. Please do feel to click on the ‘back’ button if you find my candour alarming. Failing that, brace yourself and I’ll share my 23 huffs on that HuffPost !
1. Annoyingly patronizing articles about how being short involves “daily stressors” like “hung bathroom mirrors are your worst nightmare” – for the love of God I know how to hang a mirror at a sensible height. My worst nightmare? Try Satan laughing hysterically whilst dangling me over an erupting volcano as I melt, literally. Poorly positioned mirrors in there? Nope.
2. If someone greets me with “How tall are you?” I answer “Hello, how are you?” – with a broad smile. A short, sweet and gentle reminder to the oik of the rules of our social game, otherwise known as manners.
3. Shocked looks IF I reveal my height are met with a yes-I-know-isn’t-it-amazing! look in response. Do this, seriously you will find yourself laughing out loud. A lot.
4. The top shelves in the kitchen are “untouched territory” – they are either someone else’s to sort or a place store less frequently used items like “food that makes you grow tall”and high heels.
5. People asking how small your feet are. Well, gosh its not really up there is the stress stakes this one is it? Question: “What size are you?” Answer: “4”. Phew, over. Now to stitch up the heart muscle and finish the op, or pull out the warrant and arrest the master criminal or other such real stressors of life.
6. Bartenders with time to “stare you down and scrutinize your ID for a solid five minutes”? Well, bartenders with that much time are most likely in empty i.e. crap bars – just move on to a busy i.e. better bar (ideally with poor lighting).
7. If you are lucky enough to look like you are still in high school, years after graduating from college – congratulations! If you’re that desperate to look old drink, do drugs, sun bathe ballistically and lose sleep worrying about all those poorly positioned mirrors and you will surely acquire a haggard look – but otherwise learn the virtue of patience. Wrinkles will come soon enough, along with unruly grey hairs, general grumpiness and hopefully gumption.
8. People dismissing my insecurities with “but you’re so tiny”? No, because I simply don’t discuss anything that truly bothers me outside of REAL friends who are not stupid enough to say crass crap like “But you’re so tiny!” Pick your friends wisely and don’t blab to just anyone.
9. Pants are too long. Well, your friend’s are probably too short or too tight or too wide. Great Pants – the universal challenge of womankind I know but hey gosh there is morphine for when it really gets bad.
10. Do I shop in the kids’ section? How insulting to even ask. Emotionally scarring prevents me from answering at all.
11. Shops don’t carry stuff in petite. Isn’t this the pants crisis point again? Ditto morphine and of course emotional scarring is implied.
12. People decide to pick you up without your permission. I have never been picked up without permission ( except when a baby) . If people are picking you up against your will, it’s not a height thing it’s a bullying/harassment thing! Poke em in the eye, learn self defence and Judo-whack em if needs be but Command the respect of your peers. Train them so just one look will say : “Please don’t pick me up” or “pick me up and die” or “pick me up and you’ll be scraping your balls up off the carpet” – whichever suits your proclivities.
13. If people pat you on the head take it as a FREE sign from God that they are fuckwits. They either think you are children in which case they are too stupid to suffer or they treat everyone like children and are also too stupid to suffer. Other people might not enjoy such a golden opportunity to sort out the fuckwits from the fab. Other people will waste time on them, they may mistakenly befriend them, lend then money, give them food only to find in the end that they have been repeatedly mentally head-patted through the entire relationship without noticing until that moment when all is clear and they rebel, shouting, screaming and possibly murdering. Consider yourself lucky to live a charmed life.
14. CONCERTS. Everybody jumps at concerts, everybody stares at the back of peoples’ necks – it’s the way of things – there’s always a bigger fish, always someone taller.
15. MOVIES – ditto CONCERTS. (Seriously Huff chaps was there a burning need to reach 23?)
16. I have not stretched to reach the gas pedal since the 90’s – seriously, gals test drive before buy and then simply buy a car which fits. There is no struggle if you buy sensibly.
17. Name calling is only effective is you are open to it, if you somehow buy into their logic. If you don’t want to be affected by “short” insults, protect yourself mentally by UNsubscribing to the philosophy that your are less than “full” or “normal”.
18. If the problem is people think your head is an armrest, then problem is not your size it’s that people are treating you like crap. Deal with em or ditch em.
19. If you are paying attention whilst walking on the street, wayward hipbones and other hazards (cars, children with ice cones and angry seniors) are easily avoided. Seriously, look where you are going. If you genuinely cannot (urgent Tweeting etc) then swing your bag and if hipbones are on the horizon ask the oik to shift.
20. Subway rush hour is hell: a layers of smelly feet, a sandwich layer of armpit smell and top layer of smelly dog breath. Take your pick it’s ALL bad no matter your height.
21. Tall people’s arms go up and inevitably come down on your head. GIRLS! Stop standing so close to fuckwits!
22. Turnstiles aimed at your chest? Your kidding right? When you were a child you learned to use your….ARMS. PUSH!
23. Some people think it’s okay to talk to you bending down. Just bend down as if trying to see what they are looking for ..it really confuses them and makes you giggle. Life needs giggles! Consider it a sort of giggle donation – don’t forget to thank them!